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Inner Gardening This Spring

February 28, 2011


I’ve had an epiphany of sorts, recently. I’ve discovered that no matter how hard you work, no matter how much you workout, no matter where you move to or what new meditation or religious beliefs you discover, you simply cannot run away from your problems. They’ll creep up on you until one day they hit you like a ton of bricks.

At various points in my adult life now, I’ve jogged and sprinted away from my problems. So long as I looked pulled together on the outside, no one would know what ailed me on the inside. I thought that I could keep this pace up.  But we all know that every race has its finish line and every runner eventually runs out of steam.

I had a rough and seemingly long past month, ironically during the shortest month of the year. That’s life for you. If it wasn’t one thing, it was another, and something else after that. My work suffered admittedly, and day after day I woke up (and went to bed) ridden with anxiety.

The years of sprinting away finally caught up to me.

It took a good friend (who happens to be a social worker) to make me understand that what I’ve wanted all along was control over the things in my life that I have no control over. She told me that I’ll never, ever be able to control these things so I’d have to accept it now or my “February” would turn into a March, and then an April.  She said I’d have to stop running, literally and figuratively, and that I’d actually have to do some dirty work.

During my fits of inner chaos this February, I got to a point where I finally felt compelled to open up about my troubles and share them with a few others. It was unchartered water for me and I was scared. It was some of the work my friend was talking about.

As it turns out, there are more people in my life who have suffered through many of the same sort of things that I have. I felt comforted and not alone, and with each honest word I spoke, my heart felt lighter.

These mentors, friends and the undying love and support of my boyfriend, gave me something to which I will forever be grateful for; their acceptance and faith in me. I’ve realized during the course of this “yucky” month that I no longer want to run. I want to stop and smell the roses. But, I’m ready to do the digging and the dirty work this Spring too. It’s about time I get my hands dirty.

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